The Blemish of Singleness

Hi all,
So the following is an excerpt that I typed up from a Boundless podcast (Boundless is a Focus on the Family thing for 20-somethings). When I listened to it, it struck me how much I could identify with what was being said. So much of the time my married friends just don’t seem to understand how I feel about being single. It feels like they are always down playing it. And while I understand that marriage is hard and frustrating at times, it almost feels as though they are only focusing on the bad.

I hate being single! I hate standing on the side lines watching my friends all move forward with their lives. I hate hearing comments like, “No you don’t want a boyfriend” or “It’s not worth it” whenever I say anything about being alone or wanting someone. And yet, when asked if they would rather be single, the answer is always no.

I realize that what I’ve said and what is below may strike a cord for some of you. My intention isn’t to upset anyone, but just to get my thoughts and feelings out. I realize that I’m not perfect. I know I’ve said, “It’s not worth it.” And really, dating for the sake of dating isn’t worth it. But dating for the sake of marriage is. The thing is I can’t seem to find a guy who’s interested in dating for the sake of marriage. Or at least not one that’s my age.

I’m sure that for the single people out there, you’ll be able to identify. And for the married people I hope you can simply remember what your single days were like.

-Cherry


The Blemish of Singleness
by Patrick Dunn

Remember the shock, the terror and disbelief of your first pimple? You stared, spent hours in front of the mirror. Did almost anything to hide it, the way to much makeup thing, the band aid trick, where you told everyone, “Uh yeah, my dog scratched me,” but you only had goldfish. Or, like the fake beard, “Umm, I’m celebrating Rabbi days aren’t you?” Or if you decided, “Cha whatever, I don’t care.” You know you did. Anytime you looked in the mirror or talked to someone you thought about the pimple.

Well, that’s how being single can feel sometimes. You try to ignore it, cover it up, make excuses, but it’s always there. Lurking! Here’s part of an e-mail from a girl I know, basically she’s venting to her sister and has her top 5 issues about being single, I’ll give you her issues and a few of my own thoughts.

Number 1 from her. Something happened when I turned 23, I ooze singleness. Anyone and everyone is currently trying to set me up with anyone and everyone. “Oh he’s male he’s perfect,” “oh he goes to church he’s perfect.” Well, here’s the thing, when girls are being set up, your friends and family are usually thinking “he would be great for her” or “they would be such a cute couple.” When this starts happening to a guy, its usually because someone feels sorry for you.

Number 2. Creepy men think that one thing in common is grounds for asking you out on a date. Now girls you laugh, but guys are in a tough spot. You know we’re supposed to be the “pursuer”. But this is major pressure. I know, there are guys out there that have made pursuing a hobby; they kinda left out the commitment part. Or there’s other guys that could earn a degree in pickup lines. But most of us are just the opposite; we have no idea what to say to a girl we’re interested in. Sometimes that one thing in common, it’s all we’ve got to strike up a conversation. “Eh, I see you’re eating food, yeah I need food too, it’s crazy how God gave us both teeth.” I was proud of myself for actually saying anything to a girl I was interested in, and after all that effort, you hate to think you’ve been filed into the creepy guy box.

Number 3. Meeting desperate men. When guys turn 23 they all of a sudden feel rushed to find a spouse. Avoid these men at all costs. You know this is scary, for all of us! And guys we’ve all met the girl whose biological clock is ticking.

Number 4. Single comments from Dad. He must think I’m pathetic. You know there is a point in everyone’s life where they know their parents are starting to worry about them. Really this is one of them, the years pass, you’re still not in a serious relationship, Mom smiles and says, “That’s ok dear, it’s all in God’s timing, right?” Yet her thoughts are racing, “What did we do wrong? I knew we shouldn’t have moved into the country! Maybe it was the super hero pajamas!”

Number 5. Hearing the never ending question, “Are you dating anyone? . . . No. Oh, oh well.” We all know how it feels to smile and say, “No, not right now.” But inside our thoughts are racing, “What’s wrong with me? Was it the super hero pajamas?”

But really being single is frustrating. It is like that pimple. It’s so hard to avoid. You see couples everywhere, you’re caught playing the “How did that person get someone” game. Or you start wondering “what wrong with me?” for a while I was convinced somehow that I was secretly crowned, the “czar of nerds” or emitted some strange high pitched shriek that only girls could hear. Sure, you can take the “I have more time for Jesus” approach and really some of the most powerful time in my life were when it was just God and me and I couldn’t use relationships as a crutch, and a way to fill me. But even then, I still wished I was with someone. Or you can decide, “I don’t need anyone I have plenty of friends! In my, uh, online world.” But, hu, here’s the thing, hanging out with your alter ego SIMS avatar or spending hours as one of War Lords Zargotor’s freedom fighters online doesn’t really count. And since we’ve been divinely created for relationship, it can be tough to be alone.

Really, being single seems like one of life’s great mysteries. Some of your friends will say, “Just let it go and trust God’s timing” while others tell you, “It’s your duty to find a mate! Get’er done!” Here’s all I know, God is God, and he can do whatever he wants. After years of being single, I married. Of course someday my children will graduate from high school, see me in the stands and yell, “Grandpa’s here!” I mean, I don’t understand why things turned out the way they did, there was a lot of growth, a lot of adventure I probably couldn’t have had if I’d married early and also a few train wrecks. But when I look at where I’m at and who he eventually placed into my life, it was all worth it. And I pray you’ll be able to say the same thing someday, if you’re single. Even if right now you feel like you did when you saw that first pimple.